Chucacabra Legend Endangers Coyotes

07.19.2010 · Posted in Chupacabra, Cryptozoology

People, people, people. There is entirely too much confusion in the media these days about the chupacabra, and as this is my favorite cryptid, and as it is causing totally non-chupacabra critters to die unnecessarily, it makes me cranky.

Everyone knows chupacabras look like this:

Or something like that. The most important things to note are that it has reptilian features and a bunch of sharp parts of its spine protruding down its back. That would mean that something that looks merely dog-like and scary due to the large fangs does NOT resemble the legendary chupacabra. This poor thing looks like a roughed-up coyote with a fur problem, not something sensible people would call a chupacabra:

Alleged Chupacabra in Texas

Still from the video at the link below

In the typical fashion of people who don’t bother to read an entire word and guess what it is based on the first three letters, completely ignoring the context that suggests the word “continent ” might be more appropriate to a discussion of plate tectonics than the word “container,” several dumbasses in Texas have been shooting at and sometimes killing unfortunate beasties that look a hell of a lot more like a dog or coyote than anything. They weren’t 100% certain exactly what animals these were, and they saw a quick way to get some time on the local news and YouTube, so they shot first and screamed “Lookit! With a camera! I killed me one of them candelabra . . . no . . . chuplatechip . . . no, that ain’t it either . . . chupacabras!”

The executed critters have been shipped off for dna testing. Similar creatures tested in 2007 turned out to be really ugly coyotes. Surprise! Again, people, note the lack of lizardlike qualities or freaky spinal protrusions. Also note how much these things look like freaking coyotes!

Knock it the hell off, people. If you need to kill a scary fierce threatening creature because it is posing a real hazard, fine. Just stop it with the speculating that it just might be a chupacabra. You know it isn’t. If you need to get on tv that badly, do something funny like get hit in the balls by your toddler, or tape you kid after general anesthesia and post it on YouTube. Or run a volunteer event to help clean up the Gulf Coast.

Gotta run, there’s a large squirrel sasquatch in my backyard I want to film in a very shaky manner.

– Julie


Another Case Of Foreign Accent Syndrome

07.16.2010 · Posted in Medical Mystery

Foreign Accent Syndrome is not what happened when Madonna moved to England. It’s a peculiar change in the way someone’s voice sounds, making it sound like they have suddenly developed a foreign accent. Unfortunately, it seems to only happen as the result of some injury to the brain. Wait. Maybe that IS what happened to Madonna! No, she’s not that special. There are fewer than 100 cases reported worldwide. Despite the rarity, we reported on one woman’s story last month, and we have another to discuss this month.

According to the Telegraph, Ms. Bronwyn Fox of Invercargill, New Zealand, woke up one morning with a new accent said to be similar to a Welsh accent. Ms. Fox suffers from multiple sclerosis, and her doctor thinks two lesions on her brain are responsible for the new accent. Fox and her husband take the strange change in stride and say it can make an otherwise boring day a little more interesting.

Other people with this rare syndrome include Sarah Colville of Devon, England, who got her new Chinese-sounding accent as a parting gift from an especially nasty migraine headache; and Linda Walker of Newcastle-upon-Tyne, England, whose stroke left her with voice resembling a mix of Jamaican, French-Canadian, Italian, and Slovak accents.

Meowry Tyler MooreOne of my cats has taken to sounding an awful lot like Mary Tyler Moore saying “Ohhhh Loooouuuuu,” when he begs for treats, but I’m pretty sure it’s just him being weird and not some medically induced phenomenon.

– Julie


Scary Questions, Part 5 – They’re Baaaaaack

07.14.2010 · Posted in Ghosts, Hauntings, Scary Questions

Where the nature of the questions is more terrifying than the subject matter!

Scary Question Number 11:

How do you know you have a dangerous poltergeist?

The past few months I’ve been seeing a seemingly porcelain man who has no face except to black as night eyes. Things have been shooting across my room at times and an old out of battery christmas music bear keeps playing music at night. Ive also been waking up with cuts and I’ve found flammable objects in the oven. Whenever I record audio there’s a voice in the backround. Is this going too far?

(1) If you are being physically harmed by a poltergeist, there is a good chance it is a dangerous poltergeist and not one that is there to do your laundry and read you bedtime stories. (2) “Is this going too far?” What??? Um, if you’re totally cool with the freaky and violent activity, well then hell no it’s not going too far! If, on the other hand, you are a normal rational person (which I am guessing by the questions you are most certainly not), I’d say this stuff is pretty much beyond your typical nighttime activity and might just be crossing the line in to the intolerable and scary as hell. I’d like to know what this person’s “normal” life was like before this stuff started happening for them to not be sure if this was really freaky and dangerous. If it’s a member of the Jesco White family of West Virginia, I could see how these questions could make sense.


Scary Question Number 12:

How do i become a poltergeist?

I was curious about how i could become a poltergeist and weather or not it would be permanant.

Ok, what is up with the nutty poltergeist questions? Is it because they’re working on a remake of the 1982 horror classic? Which preteen actress will meet with the movie’s curse this time? Has the little girl who played Carol Anne in the original movies been alleged to have come back as a poltergeist herself? That could be a new movie right there, Hollywood. So this lunatic wants to become a poltergeist. Does he realize he has to die to do that? For most people, death is pretty permanent, so I am guessing that would be a problem for this guy. This guy’s other posts consist of: “lolenvironment” and “BP hate topic make me sad =(” so I am not sure the dude is clever enough to realize the part about death, or that being dead could be permanent. He seems to be doing a good enough job being an idiot troll on the Yahoo message boards for now, so maybe he just wants to be able to continue to wreak a little minor havoc when he’s gone. What’s really weird, sad, and disturbing is that he’s not the only one asking this question. Come on, people, take some anger management classes and quit focusing on how to continue to be troublesome bastards after you die.


Have you seen a scary question? Let me know!

– Julie

Is This As Close As Jesus Gets To Taking A Vacation?

07.12.2010 · Posted in Miracles/Hoaxes

Jesus water park flag

Photo by Thomas Roy

Kevin Dumont, the owner of the Liquid Planet Water Park in Candia, New Hampshire, says he has seen the image of Jesus in a lifeguard station flag at the park.  Dumont has asked his pastor to examine the flag.

Business had been terrible for the water park over the last two years, but it has miraculously picked up since Dumont alerted the media to the alleged apparition. Dumont claims he had asked for a miracle to turn around the poorly performing park and says he’s pretty sure he got one in the form of this flag with some strange stains on it. Um, Mr. Dumont, it’s not a divine miracle that business picks up when you promote something like this to the local media. It’s called marketing. I’m pretty sure he knows this already but is not about to back off from the “It’s a miracle! Jesus at my water park! Everyone come see! and pay an entrance fee!” mantra any time soon. Maybe the owners of Six Flags will see this story and soon we’ll be seeing reports of the Virgin Mary appearing somewhere on the Batman roller coaster. Maybe Dollywood can advertise being haunted by the ghost of Porter Wagoner.

jesus in an elephant earI’m not saying Jesus isn’t making appearances now and then, but this is every bit as silly as appearing on a grilled cheese sandwich. Now, appearing in the swirls of the Deepwater Horizon oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? THAT would be impressive and just might wake people up. Maybe the image of Jesus is just taking a little R&R breather at the water park to store up the energy to pull off the Savior in the Slick trick. If he shows up in an elephant ear or a fried Snickers bar, though, I think it might be time to start thinking the heavens are just mocking us for their own good time. Who could blame them, really, as most of us are far more interested in Lindsey Lohan going to jail than the destruction of a major ecosystem and resulting financial disaster that, combined with the super fun economic times around the world, makes for some pretty scary stuff that we really ought to be both paying attention to and trying to fix.

Does the image on the flag look like Jesus? I don’t know. I don’t know what he really looked like. I think it does kind of look like Lenin, or Snoop Dog, or maybe Obi Wan Kenobi with one of those aliens from the Mos Eisley cantina band on either side. Even Dumont’s sister thinks it looks like a gladiator, or maybe the Beatles. Who do you think it looks like?

jesus in a field

Photo by Google

Jesus has also been seen appearing in a field in a Google Maps image. What do you suppose this is supposed to mean, especially since it can’t even be detected on the ground? Is this some kind of holy graffiti? Once again, it’s a pretty hazy image, and I’m not sure who it looks like.  I’ve never heard of Jesus sporting a Hitler-stache, which the “face” in this image seems to have.

Ant hill Buddha

Photo from

Perhaps not wanting to be forgotten in the shadow of that attention-seeking Jesus, Buddha has now also gotten into the apparition racket. Rubber plantation workers in the Ben Cat District of the Binh Duong Province in Vietnam came across an ant hill in the shape of the seated meditating Budhha.  The enigma is attracting thousands of visitors, so many that the government has asked for the removal of the ant hill to a pagoda so people can visit it without disrupting the plantation area. This just wreaks havoc with my fantasy iconographic apparition team stats.

– Julie


A Little Late For St. Patrick’s Day

07.09.2010 · Posted in Leprechauns, Weird Criminals

leprechaun at king soopers in boulder Last week, in JUNE, police in Boulder, Colorado were called to investigate a leprechaun.

Some guy dressed in stereotypical leprechaun garb was in the parking lot of a King Soopers grocery store, hiding between cars and leaping out and pretending to shoot at people with finger guns. In a colossal statement of the obvious, police said the man “was acting bizarre.”

Apparently this was a lucky leprechaun indeed, because the police weren’t able to find him, and it should be pretty easy to find a full-sized man dressed as a leprechaun, even in Boulder.

Note to the citizens of Boulder: Though this leprechaun remains at large, it is probably not a great idea to try to catch him to get at his pot of gold. Unless you dress as a lizard, which I’m guessing would probably freak this guy out enough to make him cough up whatever goodies he has, or it could make him try to slice off your scary lizard head, or shoot it with a real gun if he can find one, as he obviously has some at least imaginary violent tendencies. So that’s probably not a good idea, either. Better just leave the leprechaun alone and get a lottery ticket instead.

– Julie


Oh Lourdes: Fake Holy Water For Sale

07.07.2010 · Posted in Miracles/Hoaxes, Miscellaneous

Holy Water Fake A professor in South Korea claimed to be able to create holy water. Not just ANY holy water, mind you, but holy water with the healing power of the holy water from the shrine at Lourdes. Pretty ballsy. Also, isn’t the healing power of the holy water supposed to come from the water being holy?

Professor Kim claimed he invented a contraption of filters and water purification cards that would give the water healing properties. He claimed that medical properties could be made into digital signals and that those signals could be radiated onto water, thereby giving the water special healing ability. That’s why different waters could be programmed to treat different conditions, he said.

The people at the Discover blog had a field day with the total scientific quackery of this scheme.

In a totally non-shocking turn of events, people complained to the police that the devices the bought from Kim failed to cure their ills. What is shocking is that Kim managed to get enough people (5,000!) to buy the stuff that he made the equivalent of $1.3 million in US dollars.

Then again, I know a lot of otherwise intelligent people who seem to think the Master Cleanse is a healthy and medically sound way of ridding the body of toxins. You know, just because something doesn’t kill you . . .

– Julie


Scary Questions, Part 4

07.05.2010 · Posted in Demons, Miscellaneous, Scary Questions, Witchcraft

Scary QuestionsMore fun with frightening queries!

Scary Question Number 8:

What type of person do demons usually go after?

If you have to post this question on a message board, you clearly haven’t been watching enough monster movies and tv shows. You could just about trip over one in your living room these days, so it’s not that hard. I do wonder if this person is asking this question in order to find out how to attract or to ward off demons. Maybe they just want to know if they go after people with blue eyes who enjoy long walks on the beach.


Scary Question Number 9:

Q: Have you ever personally experienced something clearly supernatural or preternatural?

A: I once had a panic attack and thought I was possessed. Turns out I just can’t take pseudaphedrine, which is what they use from cold medicine to make meth, and can have quite the effect on the nervous system! But that’s the closest I’ve ever come to anything “paranormal.”

I think this may be my favorite question yet. I accidentally took a double dose of pseudoephedrine once, and it sure as hell didn’t feel like anything supernatural. I had a lot of energy, but I didn’t feel like I could lift a truck off of anyone, so it’s a good thing I didn’t need to. My house sure got clean. How anyone could think feeling jittery and kind of ill while unable to sit still could be possession beats me. That would be one lame-ass demon. Maybe its sister would make her possessed people temporarily feel socially awkward and bad at math.

Maybe I’m just not very creative for thinking “perhaps these are side effects of that new medication I just took” instead of “oh my God, surely I am possessed!” whenever I feel a little strange after taking pills.


Scary Question Number 10:

What is a spell to turn yourself into a witch?

Really? If that was how it worked, how exactly would that work? Wouldn’t you have to be a witch to know and be able to perform spells?

I’ve never even heard of spells to turn anyone into a witch. A toad, yes. Or even a hoagie.

Maybe this is like trying to use Cliff’s Notes for a thesis, or buying a term paper off of the internet (and shame on those of you who do that, by the way)? A shortcut to becoming a witch to avoid the pesky birthright requirement or actual study and practice?

Also, if you ask questions this silly, and are in to loopholes and shortcuts, good luck ever having the sense to practice effective witchery. Might want to check the status of your homeowner’s insurance . . .


Have you seen any questions about the supernatural that made you cringe or slap your forehead? Please send them in for mockery and snarkiness!

– Julie

Another Unfortunate Dead Thing Said To Be A Chupacabra

06.30.2010 · Posted in Chupacabra, Cryptozoology

New Mexico Chupacabra

Image: Donald Gialanella

Donald Gialanella came across the carcass of an unfortunate beastie while he was on a hike about six miles northeast of Chaco Canyon in New Mexico. He’s not saying that it IS a Chupacabra, but he thinks that it certainly could be or is at least some new cryptozoological find.

Gialanella points to the following as evidence that this isn’t just some run-of-the-mill creature:

protruding spine bones (Nope, this couldn’t possibly have been caused by the skin contracting as it dehydrated. Or Photoshop)

the one large canine tooth he claims is 4 to 5 inches long (You know, gums recede in humans after death due to dehydration. This is part of what caused people to start believing in vampires. I guess it would be absurd to think this happens in other dead mammals, wouldn’t it?)

the oddly-shaped feet, which he says look like hooves but also have features of paws (Dude, they are paws. Period. Sad little paws that have contracted due to the decaying process. Has this guy never ever seen photos of dead animals before?)

the large hole in the chest, revealing (dun-DUN!) no internal organs, despite no insect activity that he could see (Oh boy. I don’t suppose, say, that the insects and other scavengers already ate the organs and left because they cleaned the plate. No, that would be really odd for a dead animal to have its body scavenged and then left alone once all the juicy bits were gone.)

Naturally, the guy didn’t take the thing home with him, and when he went back the next day to get it, IT WAS GONE!

As if the “clues” weren’t silly enough. someone on the Unexplained-Mysteries message board also analyzed the photo and thinks it was doctored. Do go check out the original post with this analysis. There is an awesome 30-second video of the carcass, complete with totally cheesy “eerie” music that is supposed to help convince you that this thing is some unknown mysterious creature.

You know, El Chupacabra is my favorite crypto creature, as I have noted before, so it just makes me sad when someone makes such a sorry attempt to prove its existence.
It’s almost as bad as that guy in the Bigfoot suit with the zipper. It’s so much better when someone at least manages to submit a sample for scientific testing, like a museum in Crosbyton, Texas is doing. The Mount Blanco Fossil Museum is willing to display a strange-looking carcass, but they are making sure it’s not some embarrassing extra-mangy coyote. Results are, of course, pending.

Come on, folks, let’s try a little harder next time. Don’t destroy the magic with sensation-seeking half-assedness.

– Julie


Fame-Seeking Judge Now Turns To The Paranormal To Get More Attention

06.28.2010 · Posted in Legally Weird, Miscellaneous

paranormal trialIt’s not enough for retired Broward Circuit Court Judge Larry Seidlin to be famous for his courtoom antics and teary meltdown during the case  involving Anna Nicole Smith’s burial. It wasn’t enough for him to pen a related book, “The Murder of Anna Nicole Smith,” or to go on a media blitz tour of tv “news” shows to promote it. Now Seidlin has shot the pilot for a new TV show called “Psychic Court.”

The show will involve the judge hearing cases and consulting with psychic mediums, tarot card readers, astrologists, etc. for advice, and will even have them give sworn testimony, before he rules.  In a press release, Seidlin said,

“I’m opening my courtroom to those who deal in paranormal activities as a way to help uncover evidence and assist me in determining who’s telling the truth,” said Seidlin. “Psychics, clairvoyants, and the telepathic are much like judges in that they possess tremendous intuition. I often rely on my intuition to determine who’s being truthful and who’s lying, and in ‘Psychic Court’ I’ll benefit from the assistance of those who are experienced in the paranormal. It’s going to be amazing.”

Here’s how the show plans to use the paranormal to seek out justice for our entertainment:

“Psychic Court” will employ the services of top practitioners from the most popular paranormal categories, including:

*Mediums – Who will channel and communicate directly with the dead to gain new evidence.

*Astrologists – Who will uncover character defects based on the alignment of stars.

*Tarot Card Readers – Who will expose lies with the help of their mystical deck of cards.

*Remote Viewers – Who will visit the time and place of the conflict to provide eyewitness testimony.

*Faith-Based Sensitives – Who will consult with angels and saints to garner information critical to the case.

The show, which publicists are calling “the fourth dimension of court proceedings,” has not yet been picked up by a network.

With this kind of show in development, I suppose we’re not too far from seeing all kinds of paranormal-related shows on the Game Show Network. Maybe a new version of “To Tell The Truth” involving people who claim to have psychic powers? Shows to see which contestant can levitate something first or highest?

Well, points to the producers for finding a way to cheapen the paranormal and the justice system simultaneously in a way that makes the “Paranormal Cops” or “Psychic Detectives” shows seem like they ought to be archived by The Smithsonian Institute.

– Julie


Ghost Annoys Firefighters

06.23.2010 · Posted in Ghosts, Hauntings

ghost and firetruck Firefighters in Butte County Fire Station 55 in Bangor, California, say their station is haunted, and they don’t like it. The building itself is a ramshackle mess of older structures that have been combined to make the station, and it is in such bad repair that it may be demolished.

Captain Scott McLean has been at the station for almost ten years and insists the place is haunted. He said the firefighters have learned to work around it. Ghostly activities include doors being opened, objects being moved, and strange noises being made. Firefighter Anthony Brown felt a presence pin him to his bed in the middle of the night recently and tried to call out but all that came out were mumbles. McLean says the same thing once happened to him.

As a result of the hauntings, many of the firefighters refuse to sleep at the station, choosing either to sleep in their cars or stay up watching television. Other firefighters refuse to work there entirely.

Who haunts firefighters? What kind of irritating spirit gets its jollies by annoying and depriving of sleep the very people who have dedicated their lives to protecting others at a moment’s notice? We want them to be as well rested as possible. This ghost must think it’s pretty hot stuff to have scared a bunch of people who rush into burning buildings for a living. Well, haunting firefighters is like haunting policemen or medical staff. It’s just not thoughtful. Maybe if the building is demolished, the ghost can go find some other place to haunt, like a convenience store or a donut shop. Wouldn’t that be more fun anyway?

– Julie