Which is more scary: the questions or the widespread abuse of the English language on the message boards from which they came?

Scary Question Number 13:

Does watching paranormal shows on TV invite that stuff into your home?

July 16th, 2010
I love to watch shows such as Ghost Hunters and Paranormal State. My family insists that you are inviting that kinda stuff into your home just from watching. What do you think?

Oh I wish this was how it worked, because I often watch the MegaMillions drawing, and that would really come in handy for paying off the student loans. And all those episodes of Top Chef would either turn me into a decent cook or there would just be delicious gourmet food waiting for me when I open the oven. I could watch the fitTV channel and never worry about my figure or cardiovascular health again.

Source: http://science-mathematics.hanep.org/2010/07/does-watching-paranormal-shows-on-tv-invite-that-stuff-into-your-home/

Scary Question Number 14:

Am I possessed after watching Paranormal Activity?

After watching the film “Paranormal Activity” I have had quite a few intense nightmares. I never used to have nightmares until after watching th film for a second time. The first nightmare I was in this room where the walls were made of human skin and I was talking to two men who had bowl hair cuts and were extremely pale with black eyes. They told me that if I said “suicide” within 10 minutes I would have to stay there forever. I managed not to say it and when I woke up I couldnt move my body for a shorrt while and my legs just started to rise from the bed. I found this terrifing and quite disturbing. The second dream I woke from my bed in the dream and my mother was calling me. I went into her and she was lying on the ground face down with her head twisted to the side and she kept saying help me. When I touched her her eyes changed to cat like yellow eyes and her appearnce changed also to a more menacing face and she bit me. I have had more dreams like this one involving other family members and friends and their faces change to the same form to that which my mothers changed and they always bite me.

Does anyone else suffer from dreams like this? What could it be?

I dont listen to rock music or devil worship. Im not a depressed type person and i find this very weird. Can anyone help me please?

I often joke that I think television is magic, because although I technically know the processes by which images are transmitted to appear on a screen in my home, I am somehow still totally amazed that this works and that anyone ever figured it out. As my high school Physics teacher said, “I don’t think Physics is Julie’s best subject, but she tries really hard.” That said, I do understand that television transmission is NOT MAGIC and therefore the programs I watch cannot make things happen in my house or to me. Well, sometimes the commercials seem to make me order a pizza, and sometimes I stay up too late watching a movie and then suffer the next day from lack of sleep, but these things are my voluntary reactions to watching the programs, not the programs actually DOING anything to me against my will.

Nor have I ever interpreted having some scary dreams, especially after watching a scary movie, as me being possessed. Which isn’t to say that the occasional creepy as hell dream hasn’t made me need to go watch cartoons for an hour or so until the trauma of the dream has passed, but a bad dream is just a bad dream. Has this guy seriously never had a nightmare before? Did his parents never comfort him when he had a bad dream as a child? What did they do, tell him it was the work of satan’s minions? Dude, the world isn’t only made up of unicorns and lollipops, so you had better learn not to freak out when your brain copes with some of the nastier stuff by providing you with a nightmare. And stick to the G-rated stuff from now on.

Source: http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20100709163434AAeLwt4

Scary Question Number 15:

can witch turn herself in vampire by some balck magic spells or ritual?

If you are planning to write some sort of new insufferable paranormal series aimed at teens based on some sort of witch-vampire hybrid situation, please don’t, especially if you are so uninformed of general folklore about vampires and witches that you will ask this kind of question.

Source: http://mysticbanana.com/can-witch-turn-herself-in-vampire-by-some-balck-magic-spells-or-ritual.html

Have you seen a scary question? Let us know!

- Julie

Sometimes people come to my door and ask me if I have found Jesus. Like it’s hard to do. He’s all over the place!  Why, Mitchell Grainger, from Rowley Regis, England, didn’t have to look any further than his own chicken!

Grainger took a picture of his chicken, Gloria, and saw the face of Jesus in the feathers in the picture – see the green circle. Gloria the chicken, who was the sole survivor of a 19-chicken massacre by foxes, was NOT named Gloria as an expression of thanks for perhaps divine intervention, but rather was named after Gloria Gaynor, the disco queen who sang “I Will Survive.” Perhaps this was enough to irritate the heavens into sending an image of Jesus to appear on the bird’s feathers. Now, why a chicken should be a vessel for the message of Christian salvation, I can’t explain. This makes no more sense to me than if he appeared on a flag at a water park or on someone’s x-ray.

Of course, someone sees a face in a pattern and POOF! It must be Jesus! Well, I see another face in those feathers. I see a cat face! (See pink circle.) So what’s THAT supposed to mean? Maybe it’s not a cat and is the face of the fox that didn’t manage to make this bird its chicken dinner. Maybe Jesus likes to travel with a pet.

So the next time you are looking to find Jesus, it seems there are three simple steps:

1. Take a picture of something.

2. Squint hard to find some pattern in the picture that looks like a face.

3. Call the pattern an image of Jesus. Done!

Don’t ask me what you’re supposed to do with Jesus when you find him. Alerting the media seems to be the popular thing to do, though I would think consulting a priest might be a little more appropriate, though way less entertaining.

- Julie

P.S. Do check out the Halesowen News link below. The reporter clearly had a good time writing the story.

Sources:
http://www.halesowennews.co.uk/news/8286801.Jesus_Christ_super_chicken_is_heav_hen_sent_for_amazed_Rowley_Regis_policeman/?ref=mr
http://www.metro.co.uk/weird/835932-jesus-found-in-chickens-feathers

Stonehenge surrounded by roads

I had been warned that visiting Stonehenge could be a bit of a letdown. I knew I wouldn’t be able to get close to the stones unless I was on a special tour, and I heard it didn’t look as massive in person as it does in pictures. These things were all true, but it was the nearness of several roads that really surprised me. It’s as if it’s being surrounded like a drive-through pharmacy that needs access on all sides.

Maybe Stonehenge is a little miffed about being penned in like a McDonald’s and has decided to reveal some extra goodies in an attempt to expand.

Just under 1,000 yards away from the familiar stones, archaeologists recently found another circular structure, though this one is entirely below ground at this time.  The scientists found a circle of large pits, now filled with earth, that they think once held a wooden poles forming a circle. Don’t call it Woodhenge, though. That name has already been claimed by an other nearby ring.

This discovery is the most significant at the site in 50 years, and it adds to an ever increasing network of circles, roads, earthworks, and tombs in the Wiltshire area. The BBC has a nifty video and article about the find. Check out the whole area on Google Maps, too, and use Google Earth if you can. It is really something to see how many other ancient structures there are so close to the famous Stonehenge.

I hope this new discovery helps to highlight both the extent to which this is an important historical site and the extent of what we have yet to discover about the site and its surroundings. Maybe the most disappointing thing about visiting Stonehenge was how so much attention had been paid to providing a gift shop (which was very well stocked, and yes, I bought things) while there was hardly any educational information available.  Even English Heritage seems to think the way Stonehenge is presently encroached upon by roads and even its own parking lot and gift shop does a terrible disservice to the monument itself and its visitors and is seeking funding to have the area redeveloped so that the environmental impact of modern times is greatly lessened. Unfortunately, due to harsh economic times, the government had to withdraw its financial support from the project in June 2010.  I hope that the continued discovery of additional apparently interconnected sites will help fund the plan.

Please follow the English Heritage and Stonehenge Visitor Center site links below for information on the redevelopment plans.

- Julie

Sources:
http://www.english-heritage.org.uk/daysout/properties/stonehenge/environmental-impacts/
http://www.stonehengevisitorcentre.org/#/home
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-10718522
http://www.usatoday.com/tech/science/discoveries/2010-07-22-stonehenge-monument_N.htm?csp=34news&utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+usatoday-NewsTopStories+%28News+-+Top+Stories%29&utm_content=Google+Reader

People, people, people. There is entirely too much confusion in the media these days about the chupacabra, and as this is my favorite cryptid, and as it is causing totally non-chupacabra critters to die unnecessarily, it makes me cranky.

Everyone knows chupacabras look like this:

Or something like that. The most important things to note are that it has reptilian features and a bunch of sharp parts of its spine protruding down its back. That would mean that something that looks merely dog-like and scary due to the large fangs does NOT resemble the legendary chupacabra. This poor thing looks like a roughed-up coyote with a fur problem, not something sensible people would call a chupacabra:

Still from the video at the www.woai.com link below

In the typical fashion of people who don’t bother to read an entire word and guess what it is based on the first three letters, completely ignoring the context that suggests the word “continent ” might be more appropriate to a discussion of plate tectonics than the word “container,” several dumbasses in Texas have been shooting at and sometimes killing unfortunate beasties that look a hell of a lot more like a dog or coyote than anything. They weren’t 100% certain exactly what animals these were, and they saw a quick way to get some time on the local news and YouTube, so they shot first and screamed “Lookit! With a camera! I killed me one of them candelabra . . . no . . . chuplatechip . . . no, that ain’t it either . . . chupacabras!”

The executed critters have been shipped off for dna testing. Similar creatures tested in 2007 turned out to be really ugly coyotes. Surprise! Again, people, note the lack of lizardlike qualities or freaky spinal protrusions. Also note how much these things look like freaking coyotes!

Knock it the hell off, people. If you need to kill a scary fierce threatening creature because it is posing a real hazard, fine. Just stop it with the speculating that it just might be a chupacabra. You know it isn’t. If you need to get on tv that badly, do something funny like get hit in the balls by your toddler, or tape you kid after general anesthesia and post it on YouTube. Or run a volunteer event to help clean up the Gulf Coast.

Gotta run, there’s a large squirrel sasquatch in my backyard I want to film in a very shaky manner.

- Julie

Sources:
http://www.nbcsandiego.com/news/weird/Is_This_the_Face_of_a_Goat-Sucker__Dallas-Fort_Worth.html
http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/2010/07/14/2010-07-14_chupacabra_mythical_goat_sucker_beast_surfaces_in_texas_2_caninelike_creatures_f.html
http://www.woai.com/mostpopular/story/Chupacabras-Mysterious-creatures-killed-in-Texas/YMYc1PyfZ0imSLKAP7IX4w.cspx
http://www.aolnews.com/surge-desk/article/chupacabra-dna-tester-casts-doubts-on-latest-chupacabra-scare/19554408

Foreign Accent Syndrome is not what happened when Madonna moved to England. It’s a peculiar change in the way someone’s voice sounds, making it sound like they have suddenly developed a foreign accent. Unfortunately, it seems to only happen as the result of some injury to the brain. Wait. Maybe that IS what happened to Madonna! No, she’s not that special. There are fewer than 100 cases reported worldwide. Despite the rarity, we reported on one woman’s story last month, and we have another to discuss this month.

According to the Telegraph, Ms. Bronwyn Fox of Invercargill, New Zealand, woke up one morning with a new accent said to be similar to a Welsh accent. Ms. Fox suffers from multiple sclerosis, and her doctor thinks two lesions on her brain are responsible for the new accent. Fox and her husband take the strange change in stride and say it can make an otherwise boring day a little more interesting.

Other people with this rare syndrome include Sarah Colville of Devon, England, who got her new Chinese-sounding accent as a parting gift from an especially nasty migraine headache; and Linda Walker of Newcastle-upon-Tyne, England, whose stroke left her with voice resembling a mix of Jamaican, French-Canadian, Italian, and Slovak accents.

One of my cats has taken to sounding an awful lot like Mary Tyler Moore saying “Ohhhh Loooouuuuu,” when he begs for treats, but I’m pretty sure it’s just him being weird and not some medically induced phenomenon.

- Julie

Source: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/australiaandthepacific/newzealand/7887985/New-Zealand-woman-sounds-Welsh-after-suffering-foreign-accent-syndrome.html

Where the nature of the questions is more terrifying than the subject matter!

Scary Question Number 11:

How do you know you have a dangerous poltergeist?

The past few months I’ve been seeing a seemingly porcelain man who has no face except to black as night eyes. Things have been shooting across my room at times and an old out of battery christmas music bear keeps playing music at night. Ive also been waking up with cuts and I’ve found flammable objects in the oven. Whenever I record audio there’s a voice in the backround. Is this going too far?

(1) If you are being physically harmed by a poltergeist, there is a good chance it is a dangerous poltergeist and not one that is there to do your laundry and read you bedtime stories. (2) “Is this going too far?” What??? Um, if you’re totally cool with the freaky and violent activity, well then hell no it’s not going too far! If, on the other hand, you are a normal rational person (which I am guessing by the questions you are most certainly not), I’d say this stuff is pretty much beyond your typical nighttime activity and might just be crossing the line in to the intolerable and scary as hell. I’d like to know what this person’s “normal” life was like before this stuff started happening for them to not be sure if this was really freaky and dangerous. If it’s a member of the Jesco White family of West Virginia, I could see how these questions could make sense.

Source: http://mysticbanana.com/how-do-you-know-you-have-a-dangerous-poltergeist.html

Scary Question Number 12:

How do i become a poltergeist?

I was curious about how i could become a poltergeist and weather or not it would be permanant.

Ok, what is up with the nutty poltergeist questions? Is it because they’re working on a remake of the 1982 horror classic? Which preteen actress will meet with the movie’s curse this time? Has the little girl who played Carol Anne in the original movies been alleged to have come back as a poltergeist herself? That could be a new movie right there, Hollywood. So this lunatic wants to become a poltergeist. Does he realize he has to die to do that? For most people, death is pretty permanent, so I am guessing that would be a problem for this guy. This guy’s other posts consist of: “lolenvironment” and “BP hate topic make me sad =(” so I am not sure the dude is clever enough to realize the part about death, or that being dead could be permanent. He seems to be doing a good enough job being an idiot troll on the Yahoo message boards for now, so maybe he just wants to be able to continue to wreak a little minor havoc when he’s gone. What’s really weird, sad, and disturbing is that he’s not the only one asking this question. Come on, people, take some anger management classes and quit focusing on how to continue to be troublesome bastards after you die.

Sources:
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20100702034208AAx2t9S
http://mysticbanana.com/how-do-i-become-a-ghost-or-poltergeist-after-i-die.html

Have you seen a scary question? Let me know!

- Julie

Photo by Thomas Roy

Kevin Dumont, the owner of the Liquid Planet Water Park in Candia, New Hampshire, says he has seen the image of Jesus in a lifeguard station flag at the park.  Dumont has asked his pastor to examine the flag.

Business had been terrible for the water park over the last two years, but it has miraculously picked up since Dumont alerted the media to the alleged apparition. Dumont claims he had asked for a miracle to turn around the poorly performing park and says he’s pretty sure he got one in the form of this flag with some strange stains on it. Um, Mr. Dumont, it’s not a divine miracle that business picks up when you promote something like this to the local media. It’s called marketing. I’m pretty sure he knows this already but is not about to back off from the “It’s a miracle! Jesus at my water park! Everyone come see! and pay an entrance fee!” mantra any time soon. Maybe the owners of Six Flags will see this story and soon we’ll be seeing reports of the Virgin Mary appearing somewhere on the Batman roller coaster. Maybe Dollywood can advertise being haunted by the ghost of Porter Wagoner.

I’m not saying Jesus isn’t making appearances now and then, but this is every bit as silly as appearing on a grilled cheese sandwich. Now, appearing in the swirls of the Deepwater Horizon oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? THAT would be impressive and just might wake people up. Maybe the image of Jesus is just taking a little R&R breather at the water park to store up the energy to pull off the Savior in the Slick trick. If he shows up in an elephant ear or a fried Snickers bar, though, I think it might be time to start thinking the heavens are just mocking us for their own good time. Who could blame them, really, as most of us are far more interested in Lindsey Lohan going to jail than the destruction of a major ecosystem and resulting financial disaster that, combined with the super fun economic times around the world, makes for some pretty scary stuff that we really ought to be both paying attention to and trying to fix.

Does the image on the flag look like Jesus? I don’t know. I don’t know what he really looked like. I think it does kind of look like Lenin, or Snoop Dog, or maybe Obi Wan Kenobi with one of those aliens from the Mos Eisley cantina band on either side. Even Dumont’s sister thinks it looks like a gladiator, or maybe the Beatles. Who do you think it looks like?

Photo by Google

Jesus has also been seen appearing in a field in a Google Maps image. What do you suppose this is supposed to mean, especially since it can’t even be detected on the ground? Is this some kind of holy graffiti? Once again, it’s a pretty hazy image, and I’m not sure who it looks like.  I’ve never heard of Jesus sporting a Hitler-stache, which the “face” in this image seems to have.

Photo from www.dtinews.vn

Perhaps not wanting to be forgotten in the shadow of that attention-seeking Jesus, Buddha has now also gotten into the apparition racket. Rubber plantation workers in the Ben Cat District of the Binh Duong Province in Vietnam came across an ant hill in the shape of the seated meditating Budhha.  The enigma is attracting thousands of visitors, so many that the government has asked for the removal of the ant hill to a pagoda so people can visit it without disrupting the plantation area. This just wreaks havoc with my fantasy iconographic apparition team stats.

- Julie

Sources:
http://unionleader.com/article.aspx?headline=At+Candia+water+park,+some+see+Jesus+in+lifeguard+flag&articleId=32b56755-ac25-4ae7-9f79-06490d1c15ec
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/38153106/ns/travel/
http://www.necn.com/07/08/10/Jesus-in-New-Hampshire-water-park-flag-/landing.html?blockID=268118&feedID=4215
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/picturegalleries/picturesoftheday/7872137/Pictures-of-the-day-5-July-2010.html
http://www.dtinews.vn/news/news/headlines/workers-discover-buddha-ant-hill_3477.html

Last week, in JUNE, police in Boulder, Colorado were called to investigate a leprechaun.

Some guy dressed in stereotypical leprechaun garb was in the parking lot of a King Soopers grocery store, hiding between cars and leaping out and pretending to shoot at people with finger guns. In a colossal statement of the obvious, police said the man “was acting bizarre.”

Apparently this was a lucky leprechaun indeed, because the police weren’t able to find him, and it should be pretty easy to find a full-sized man dressed as a leprechaun, even in Boulder.

Note to the citizens of Boulder: Though this leprechaun remains at large, it is probably not a great idea to try to catch him to get at his pot of gold. Unless you dress as a lizard, which I’m guessing would probably freak this guy out enough to make him cough up whatever goodies he has, or it could make him try to slice off your scary lizard head, or shoot it with a real gun if he can find one, as he obviously has some at least imaginary violent tendencies. So that’s probably not a good idea, either. Better just leave the leprechaun alone and get a lottery ticket instead.

- Julie

Sources:
http://www.dailycamera.com/ci_15410580?source=most_viewed
http://www.metro.co.uk/weird/833732-police-hunt-leprechaun
http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/n/a/2010/06/30/national/a185958D94.DTL&tsp=1

A professor in South Korea claimed to be able to create holy water. Not just ANY holy water, mind you, but holy water with the healing power of the holy water from the shrine at Lourdes. Pretty ballsy. Also, isn’t the healing power of the holy water supposed to come from the water being holy?

Professor Kim claimed he invented a contraption of filters and water purification cards that would give the water healing properties. He claimed that medical properties could be made into digital signals and that those signals could be radiated onto water, thereby giving the water special healing ability. That’s why different waters could be programmed to treat different conditions, he said.

The people at the Discover blog had a field day with the total scientific quackery of this scheme.

In a totally non-shocking turn of events, people complained to the police that the devices the bought from Kim failed to cure their ills. What is shocking is that Kim managed to get enough people (5,000!) to buy the stuff that he made the equivalent of $1.3 million in US dollars.

Then again, I know a lot of otherwise intelligent people who seem to think the Master Cleanse is a healthy and medically sound way of ridding the body of toxins. You know, just because something doesn’t kill you . . .

- Julie

Sources:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/world/asia_pacific/10472269.stm
http://blogs.discovermagazine.com/discoblog/2010/07/01/shocker-inventor-of-a-diy-holy-water-device-charged-with-fraud/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+DiscoverMag+%28Discover+Magazine%29&utm_content=Google+Reader

More fun with frightening queries!

Scary Question Number 8:

What type of person do demons usually go after?

If you have to post this question on a message board, you clearly haven’t been watching enough monster movies and tv shows. You could just about trip over one in your living room these days, so it’s not that hard. I do wonder if this person is asking this question in order to find out how to attract or to ward off demons. Maybe they just want to know if they go after people with blue eyes who enjoy long walks on the beach.

Source: http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20100530101329AATsybb

Scary Question Number 9:

Q: Have you ever personally experienced something clearly supernatural or preternatural?

A: I once had a panic attack and thought I was possessed. Turns out I just can’t take pseudaphedrine, which is what they use from cold medicine to make meth, and can have quite the effect on the nervous system! But that’s the closest I’ve ever come to anything “paranormal.”

I think this may be my favorite question yet. I accidentally took a double dose of pseudoephedrine once, and it sure as hell didn’t feel like anything supernatural. I had a lot of energy, but I didn’t feel like I could lift a truck off of anyone, so it’s a good thing I didn’t need to. My house sure got clean. How anyone could think feeling jittery and kind of ill while unable to sit still could be possession beats me. That would be one lame-ass demon. Maybe its sister would make her possessed people temporarily feel socially awkward and bad at math.

Maybe I’m just not very creative for thinking “perhaps these are side effects of that new medication I just took” instead of “oh my God, surely I am possessed!” whenever I feel a little strange after taking pills.

Source: http://www.phatmass.com/phorum/index.php?showtopic=105995

Scary Question Number 10:

What is a spell to turn yourself into a witch?

Really? If that was how it worked, how exactly would that work? Wouldn’t you have to be a witch to know and be able to perform spells?

I’ve never even heard of spells to turn anyone into a witch. A toad, yes. Or even a hoagie.

Maybe this is like trying to use Cliff’s Notes for a thesis, or buying a term paper off of the internet (and shame on those of you who do that, by the way)? A shortcut to becoming a witch to avoid the pesky birthright requirement or actual study and practice?

Also, if you ask questions this silly, and are in to loopholes and shortcuts, good luck ever having the sense to practice effective witchery. Might want to check the status of your homeowner’s insurance . . .

Source: http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20100624163432AAoxQpa

Have you seen any questions about the supernatural that made you cringe or slap your forehead? Please send them in for mockery and snarkiness!

- Julie